


Burning For Your Love

by christinefromsherwood



Series: 007 Fest 2020 [15]
Category: James Bond (Classic movies)
Genre: Agent Bond goes to Medical with a Problem, Gen, Humor, Safe Sex Education
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-15
Updated: 2020-07-15
Packaged: 2021-03-05 02:54:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 751
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25277257
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/christinefromsherwood/pseuds/christinefromsherwood
Summary: The agents of MI6 famously hate Medical.But to be honest, they're not their doctors' favourite people either.
Series: 007 Fest 2020 [15]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1809718
Comments: 24
Kudos: 32
Collections: 007 Fest Fancreations





	Burning For Your Love

**Author's Note:**

  * For [lapsang_and_earlgrey](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lapsang_and_earlgrey/gifts), [afaapm](https://archiveofourown.org/users/afaapm/gifts).



> written for Classic Bond Day and and also for **lapsang-and-earlgrey** and **a-forger-and-a-point-man** , whose passionate response encouraged me to write a sequel. Enjoy, guys 😘  
> Thanks be to Souffle who went over it with me to see if it was even a little bit funny.

The doctors in Medical had seen a lot of things over the years. Dr. Peters in particular liked to say that nothing could surprise him anymore. 

Dr. MacMillan wasn’t quite so sure of that as she studied the agent shifting uncomfortably in the chair in her office. Her doctorly senses were tingling.

“So… what you’re saying, 007, is that you experience a burning sensation when you urinate?”

“Yes.”

“And how would you describe the colour of the discharge?” 

Bond scoffed. “I didn’t look at it.”

She continued patiently: “Was it more yellow, or pink, or even darker?”

“...pink, I think.”

“And the smell?”

“Damnit, Margaret, piss smells like piss! What do you want me to say?!”

Dr. MacMillan shot him a warning look. She might have once, _and only once_ , slept with the man--an old roommate recommended the tall, dapper brunet to her as very nice stress relief--but she would not stand for him acting out in her office.

“It is particularly strong smelling urine, then,” she noted, jotting it down in the card. She only hoped her nurse would be able to decipher it afterwards. Bond had insisted on total privacy for this interview.

“Well, 007, it looks like UTI. I’ll put you on antibiotics straight away.”

He made to get up.

“Sit back down, 007. We can treat it but we should also try to see what has caused it. It’s not very common in men, you know.”

Bond shot her a look full of loathing.

“You’ll be running tests again,” he accused. Dr. MacMillan only barely stopped herself from rolling her eyes. No shit.

“I will take a urine sample, yes. And a blood sample. Have you eaten today?”

“Only some scrambled eggs. Not a lot,” he said, shifting again. Dr. MacMillan narrowed her eyes at him. 

“007, you do realize that if you are lying to me, you will need to come back for the blood sample again?”

“Yes!” came indignantly. “I’ve only had… one? Two at the most.”

Dr. MacMillan furrowed her brows. How could he not know? Shaking her head, she stood up and headed over to her nurse’s station. She would have preferred to call her over for this, she hadn’t had to look for a vein to draw blood for a while, but Bond looked like he might run off any second and she thought it best not to spook him even more.

“Make a fist and pump your arm for me?” she asked as she disinfected a small patch of skin. Ha! There it was! Doctor MacMillan inserted the needle before continuing: “Well then, 007, have you been having loads of unprotected anal sex?”

“Wha- Ow! Ha! I say-! Well!” Bond sputtered. She continued to watch the needle and ignored him.

“Well?”

“No! For God’s sake, Margaret! I always wear a condom!” he shouted before _actually_ adding: “You know that!”

Any thoughts of professional bedside manner flew out the window.

“No, Bond, I do not in fact _know that_!” she hissed. “We had a one night stand ten years ago. Now tell me, have you been putting your cock anywhere without a condom?!”

The look in his eyes said it all. Dr. MacMillan rolled her eyes. 

“Well, in the future, _don’t_ . I don’t care if it’s a sex toy, a jam jar, or the scrambled eggs you had for breakfast,” at this Bond gave a start and Margaret suddenly felt unclean, still she powered through and sweetly smiling, added a few helpful slogans: “No glove, no love! When in doubt, shroud your spout! If you can’t shield your rocket, _leave it in your pocket_!”

His eyes shot daggers at her. 

He had a lot of nerve after all the puns he spouted on a regular basis. 

She went to discard her gloves and label the sample, using the opportunity to hide her face from her patient. Because he was her _patient_ . And she wasn’t _supposed to_ judge. 

But bloody hell, scrambled eggs?!!!! 

Still, could be worse. 

There was that agent who had a thing for beef Wellington and the abrasions...

When Dr MacMillan returned to agent 007, it was with a cotton swab. 

“Now open!” 

“What’s that for?”

“Testing for STIs. You’re due for a check up anyway.”

Bond glared but opened his mouth. 

Mind still whirling with the horror of her discovery, Dr. MacMillan didn’t try very hard to stop herself from humming: “Love is cleaner with a packaged wiener,” as she swabbed the inside of James Bond's mouth.

**Author's Note:**

> I know, I know... this one doesn't rhyme which immediately makes it not as great. But what can you do :D I hope you still had fun reading it, guys. 
> 
> If you've made it this far and have absolutely no idea what I'm going on about, let me point your attention to [The Author Regrets Nothing](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24998257), the famous (in some circles anyway) and beloved egg-fucking poem.
> 
> You're also highly encouraged to read my other fics :D When I don't write hilariously dirty poems, I'm quite decent at fluff and feelings and saner humor.


End file.
